Another New Year

Today is the last day of another year spent without my girl. Maybe this new year will bless  me with  her little brother or little sister. So many people are happy to see this year go,having had a difficult time these last 12 months. For me though, these last 12 months have held the changes that I needed. This was a good year for me, unlike the previous two. 2012 holds so much promise, I hope I am not disappointed.
Contentedness (is this even a real word) has finally found. Everything feels safe and normal again. I am happy.I love living here, I think I have finally found a place to call home again. Not a place chosen by default due to it's location but a place chosen because I loved it, because it spoke to me. I am by the ocean with a constant  salty sea breeze (surprising since I am  a mile or two away) and big open sky, I  have found peace. As Jimmy Buffett says " I have found me a home". There is love here like I've never had. I am not filling a need or just sharing space. I am not worried. Yes, at long last, my heart is content.
  In 2012 I plan on focusing on my health so I can get off all these pills. I am currently taking 15 a day to manage my colitis  which put me in the hospital for 6 days earlier this month. It was brought on by a severe cold- not stress as has been  the case in the past. I need to make it a priority as I never have before. I didn't admit it anyone but I was really nervous when  I was kept in the hospital for so long. Amazing what a good scare can do to change your ways. This year I also want to be the year I get to give Ruth a brother or sister, going to focus on that too. While that is not something I can control  I think I have finally decided that yes, that is what I want. I am afraid for so many reasons but hopefully I will be able to get passed those fears and have another baby. Time will tell what this year holds. Happy New Year to my Angel in Heaven.

Thinking of my angel on what should have been your second birthday

Tuesday Blues

Blue!That's how I am feeling. I know it's me, it's always been. I get into these modes where I believe it's not but then some stupid slip of the tongue and I am reminded that yes, all those things I thought really ARE true. Turth hurts. I don't know how to be someone else, I don't know how to be different. Can't I just "google it"? That would be nice huh? Then there's this whole what I am convinced is PTSD. Can't get it ot of my head once it gets there. Had nightmares last night. One tiny little sentence and I am set back 18 months. Maybe that's why I am blue, because I had such a horrible nights sleep-oh that and another stupid slip of the tongue.Or maybe I am blue just because it's Tuesday! This has nothing to do with Ruth-I probably should create a blog seperate from here for my "life" stuff but I needed a forum to vent tonight so here I am. I can't start another blog now. Besides, this is just for me anyway does it really matter how it started? Does it really have to be a theme ? Whatever I need to go walk the dogs, maybe some crisp fall salt water air will do the trick...

Sometimes when I'm in the area I drive around all the places I wanted to go with you.The school I thought you'd attend, the library where I wanted to take you to story hour, things like that and I realized this last time that I am ok most of the time but I go there, to Rahway it hurts. It hurts so incredibly bad. Everything was so sudden so unexpected-perhaps I should have been more realistic but I was caught off guard for it all. Moving forward,moving on? Moving on doesn't mean forgetting. I miss you baby girl, and that life that was supposed to have been. I am content now though. No lonely hour which I have had my whole life. I love it here, so so glad I moved. I could not have done it back when your daddy said I should I needed to be in the only place I saw as home here in New Jersey but I have a new place now with a man who loves me without limit,without conditions. Life is good again, if only you were here then it would be perfect!!!! Love you Ruthie girl!

Feels Like Fall

I feel like I have reached this new place.A good place. A place of healing. It feels like fall outside, which I normally hate because fall leads to winter, which I hate! Tonight while sitting outside it felt like fall and I was SO glad. That means I made it through summer (even tho summer is not over for quite awhile)Summer hurts. I reminds of me when you were with me and then when I lost you.Next summer will be better. I know it will. For now I will enjoy the chill in the air and put the pain back in it's summer home.

Wedding Day

Hey Baby Girl! Tomorrow I am getting married so I wanted to take a quiet moment tonight just to be here with you. I can't get you off my mind as the moon is full again.Tomorrow night there will be meteor shower too, I can't wait to watch it with you. So many significant days have come and been marked by some celestial event, ironic? Perhaps, but I am not so sure. I like to think of it as a sign, a reassurance you are here with us. Everything fell apart that day we lost you. Who knew two years later this is where I would be? It was not a life I envisioned, not at all. I know you will be with as I walk down the aisle. I will take a special moment just for you and carry a flower in my bouquet for my girl, I will also have your bracelet from all those miles you ran with Sarah. I've come this far that fact alone is amazing. My wedding day will be even more amazing and I know you will be there. Goodnight Baby Ruth.

Another Birthday

Two years ago today I met this tiny little person who left me forever changed. Two years ago today I held a tiny perfect little baby girl who got cheated out of life. Two years ago today my heart broke into a million pieces,it can never be whole again. I will celebrate my Ruth today despite the heartache I will not wallow in pain or tears today. I will send balloons to her in heaven and remember how happy we were when we learned I was pregnant. How happy we were can not be overshadowed by how sad we became. I have cried and cried and cried for your little one, your daddy has too, but today I am not going to cry-at least I am going to try not to. Today is your day, the day you got your wings and flew to heaven and became our angel. I love you to the moon and back, today and everyday.Happy 2nd Birthday.

Flashbacks

I am having "flashbacks" of sorts the last week or so. Since my birthday,my birthday marks the day that everything really began to unravel. It marks the first time I was admitted to the hospital. I was pretty confident after I left the hospital that first time. How foolish. I have this heaviness starting to take hold again. It's not crushing but but there. I have so much going on but in the midst of it all there will be this day,Ruth's birthday to mark the worst moment of my life!Life proves once again how unpredictable it is. I mean look at me now? 18 months ago none of this seemed at all possible.I am getting married in 11 days,on a full moon of course, for my Ruth.She will have a special chair at the ceremony where I will lay a flower for her on my way down the aisle.I hope that day marks the day I really start over. Love you Ruth!

Milton Lake

I took the dogs to Milton Lake yesterday. It's always been a favorite spot for them. They run and chase then take a cool swim in the little river there. We hadn't been in a long time since we don't live nearby anymore. The day Ruth died Willie and I went there. I remember standing by the water and him telling me all the plans he had for her. All the things he wanted to do. He cried with me by the river and then one year later we went to there to release her birthday balloons. It's hard to digest all that happend in that year. And now, here we are almost another year gone by and more major changes. I am in a good place but there is still a hurt that won't go away. I wasn't ready to say goodbye,to either of them. Life is just so unpredictable. I love everything about my life right now but I am still saddend by the losses. I hope your Daddy is happy too, Ruth. He may no longer wish to talk to me but I send him positive thoughts anyway,afterall,he gave me you. He also gave me years of goodness before you too. Sorry is never enough but it's all I've got.

The Moon

I swear my heart knows without my eyes ever seeing it, when there is a full moon. I can't stop crying today. It's a full moon. I chose my wedding day to be on a full moon, in August, a tribute to my Ruth. Less than 2 months from now will be that day, Ruth's Moon. I wonder if sharing my wedding day with the her moon will make me less sad the next time I see it. I want to smile when I think of her. I want people to remember, but they don't want to. They want to wish her away. A Tragedy they want to forget, they even tell me I shouldn't cry anymore,to let it go. SHE DIED. SO after you hold a lifeless tiny little person in your arms THEN you can tell me to let it go. THEN you try and tell me not to cry. I don't care how much time has passed my heart still hurts. No one really knows since I don't talk about it anymore. Afterall it is apparently unacceptable to discuss the loss of Ruth since it has been almost two years. SO I will sit here at my desk and cry to myself which is fine, I don't want to share it with anyone anyway. I just wish people didn't shun her name like a bad nightmare. I think I will go visit the moon on the beach tonight. See you there baby girl.

Another New Year

One year and 5 months. That sounds like a long time doesn't it? I wish someone could convince my heart of that. It still aches. No, it's not the crushing sadness as the months just following Ruth's death but some days it just sneaks up on me and I find myself crying and aching from this void inside me. Willie was right all those months ago when he told he I would think of Ruth and smile because most of time I do. When I see the moon and it's bright and full I smile now...I used to cry. She was born on a full moon and the moon will always be ours, our connection to each other from here to there. This year my life is going to change yet again and I am excited but nervous too since I have learned life never turns out the way we think it will. Its another new year another new begining another new life to add to the books of lives I feel like I have already lived. But the book of Ruth will always hold an extra special place high above the rest because she changed me she made all of this possible.