15 Years. A decade a half. I see your cousin Grace and think about how you and see would have grown up together, thick as thieves like my cousin Leah and I were. You've got so much more family with you now that it does my heart some good to know you finally got to meet your Aunt Laurie and you Grammy. The pain is different now, perhaps because of time, perhaps because of all the other losses and thinking about the reunions. I lost you. I was broken. In a a fog. I moved forward. I felt better. Then my sister died. There I was consumed by that fog again. Then my mom died after many months of being sick. I tried so so hard to do everything I could to make life a little easier for her and Dick last year. Mom - I miss you From Oxygen machines, to soft touch tubings, special ointments for the nose, ear cushions, bath chairs, shower handles, smart devices to help with pill reminders. Figuring out way to sort pills with as little confusion as possible. Special pillows. Walkers door dashed to house so the wouldn't have to wait for one. Days and nights in the hospital. Driving so many times scared of what the outcome of the trip would be. Working from a hospital chair into the wee hours of the morning so I could be present with upiduring the day. Working from your house off a folding table so I could be close. Dr's appointments. Hospital visits. Watching you decline. Watching Dick take such good care of you, the very best he could. Calling the family sharing the news you would pass soon. Getting the call you were gone. Having to tell Dick you were gone. I would do it all over again Mom. But it didn't matter in the end. And I hurt. It was less than three years since we lost Laura. I was going back and forth again, just like in 2020. Going to spend time with the dying while hoping and praying death wouldn't really come. Too much loss for one heart. The worst part is knowing there will always be more to come. Ruth, you were my first heartbreak, You were the biggest tragedy of my life. I'll never forget those days. Never. Happy Heavenly birthday, thse first one your Grammy gets to celebrate with you. I am so very very jealous. We should all be down here celebrating you. I have tremendous jealousy for all the birthday posts I see of peoples kids. The ggraduations and the proms ... all things you will never get to have. I am jealous. And my heart aches.
