Ten Years

Ten years ago. A decade. How can that even be?  You were with me for only a few short months but all these years later losing you still make my heart ache. At this time ten years ago I was on the phone with Sarah the pain in my belly growing stronger and me not realizing what was happening. We talked until 1am when I just couldn't anymore because I was feeling sick and then when we hung up I started throwing up. The next couple of hours are a blur - until the pain was so intense I was pound my foot on the  bed and then they gave me some pain relief and for a brief time I was ok. Then that roll. That last movement  when it was undeniable it was YOU... you moving around. and then the pain was back worse than ever and I started telling the nurse I had to push while she kept saying no no  - and then I started yelling "she's coming  she's coming" and you were there. And the nurse started yelling for help and all these people came in and I just wanted to know what time it was because even though I didn't get to hold you right then and no one said anything I knew - I knew you were gone.  I tried calling Willie but I was shaking so badly I couldn't dial my cell phone so the nurse did it for me. I am not sure what I said to him  through my sobs, I think I said she's gone or it's over. Then they took me to the OR and I was shaking and crying and they put me to sleep. I woke up alone and they started asking me questions and telling me things I  couldn't process. I just kept asking for Willie. They brought me to a new room and hours later they wheeled you in in the isolette  all swaddled,the same they bring every new mom her newborn. They passed you to me and your little mouth moved just the tiniest bit for a moment my breath caught in my throat and for a fleeting second I thought you were here.... but you weren't. I held you. I unwrapped you and saw every perfect inch of you. My heart shattered and would never be the same. A decade.   Ten years. I've never been the same because that day I lost my baby Ruth. Ten years. A decade I have carried pain and guilt in my heart and I know it will still with me forever - as will my love for you sweet baby girl. Double digits. A decade. Ten years. How can that even be?



                                       

A Decade too late

It's been ten years since you were conceived. Next week will mark ten years since I knew you were here. I still have nightmares sometimes, but much less often. My guilt however, is ever present. I started seeing a therapist last week. Our first session was all about you. And him. The therapist said what I need to do is separate you from him and as soon as she realized that YES that is what I want I knew I would like her . She validated several things for me but the guilt is going to take a lot of work to get through. She used the term "auto pilot" to describe that night/morning.    Maybe that's what it was. Or maybe, more likely, it was  a lifetime of being made to feel like I was "too dramatic"  and as a result  the first place my mind went was to "Don't do that. they will think it's morbid and dramatic" and I always hated being called that.   Throughput  your entire existence I downplayed the "drama" but there was much I should have asked so much I should have done that would have changed all this. But no. That fear of that label of those remarks landed us here. I need to accept that it is ok that I am sensitive. I am a crier and it's ok to cry when I am hurt or scared or  happy. To feel whatever it is I am feeling regardless of what they might think. I need get over it. I just wish I had come to know this was my issue ten years ago so I wouldn't be here writing this alone. You there and me still here with just this guilt and my never ending love for you sweet baby girl.  This realization came a decade too late.