2015

2015 had so many ups and downs, i am happy to see it coming to an end.
It started with a loved one announcing a cancer diagnosis. I had to remove the calender from my desk at work because I felt my countdown clock going off in my head and I couldn't take it. We got a miracle tho and to date the cancer is gone. Then came the purchase of the most perfect house. A safe haven. Then on  your birthday Ruth, of ALL days, on our birthday i was told I may be facing a cancer diagnosis of my own. A tumor was found on my ovary. Then came weeks of anxiety like I have never experienced before and for the first time ever I was scared - really truly scared that I may not be ok. This couldn't be it is all i kept telling myself. I finally was in a good,safe,content,happy place. Thankfully my amazing surgeon, despite the operation being more complicated than expected removed the tumor and adhesions to help my colitis.The recovery of course then became longer too but aside from a 6 inch ugly scar I feel great.
Then came  Roo. A sweet little pup who has brought me back to a person I used to be. I think Mojo,Karma and suki are pretty happy about this too. 2015. It was up, it was down. I can't wait for 2016.

Another Birthday.

In five hours it will officially be your 6th birthday. I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that it's been six years. Six years ago at this hour your heart still beat within me. Even though all these years have passed your presence is still felt. My love for you you goes on. My heartache goes on.
I find that I often feel guilty for happiness I do have and I have so much to be happy about. I am living with more happiness than I ever thought I would , but there is always this sadness that haunts me. The sadness that you didn't get to grow up. Sadness that I never got the chance to know more than your heartbeat. Sadness that your daddy only felt you after you were gone. Sadness that we didn't give you a more proper goodbye. Regret is an awful thing. I regret so much but you my tiny angel girl ,will never ever be a regret no matter how painful this has all been I would live those days all over again just to hear your heart,to feel your kicks. wishing you a beautiful birthday in heaven. Dance among the clouds  little one.  And thank you for the signs. The moon over the ocean was so perfect. Just like you. Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl.

Thank you,Angels

I've been wanting to write for so long. 2015 was supposed to start off so differently. Instead of bringing in the new year in a new home, January brought news of cancer striking our family once again. The countdown clock in my head began again just like before. The countdown to something good - closing on the house, and the countdown to a goodbye. Now,five months later the clock has stopped! The house is OURS, MINE...(no one quite understands the significance of that), and the cancer is GONE.  It was a rough road - from closing delays to allergies to chemo but it is over. I'm sworn to secrecy over who was sick .but I know you know,Ruth. And I know you were there helping make this all turn out ok,you and our other guardian angels.
 I may not write much anymore but that is by no means an indicator of  how often you're on my mind. You're here with me all day everyday. You are my heart little one.The littlest of my angels.
Thank you to all my angels - I'm sorry for making you work so hard lately!!!