I will always remember

This time four years ago you were still with me but little did I know we had only a few minutes more.I remember that night so vividly, as if it were today. I remember that last movement - if only I had known. If only I knew I was losing you I would have said  so many things - I would have said goodbye. I still remember your face. I still remember your tiny fingers and toes. I remember every detail of your perfect little body. I still remember the moment I realized you were gone,stolen from me. I still remember all of it. Somedays I don't want to remember because it brings a pain to my heart so deep I become afraid I will fall back down again. I hate it. I hate that remembering you means remembering you are gone.Time has brought some peace but at a moments notice all that peacefulness can be lost and the anguish consumes me all over again. Today is your birthday once again.Today is your day and I will always remember. Happy Birthday to Heaven's sweetest little angel, my little angel. Happy Birthday to my Ruth

Now I lay me down to sleep

Now I lay me down to sleep is an organization of volunteer photographers who go into hospitals/medical facilities to photograph infants who have passed away or may pass soon. The idea is to create lasting memories for parents who otherwise would not have beautiful images of their precious little ones. While I had never heard of NILMDTS when Ruth was born once I heard of them I often wondered why the hospital did not tell me about them. Why were the fuzzy hospital images taken by my nurse all I got? Well tonight in doing some research for an upcoming infant photo session I read that NILMDTS has age guidelines. 25 weeks and older.Upon reading this I found myself in a flood of tears. Not only was my baby cheated out of a chance at life because she wasn't 6 days older but I was cheated out of having images of her perfect little self  because she didn't meet the "guidelines". Now I realize this is a guideline not a steadfast rule but from what I understand for younger babies it is left up to medical personnel to determine if photos would be possible.one more way that the hospital failed us. They took photos that don't adequately depict how perfect Ruth was. There are no photos of us together, no pictures of those strong shoulders or tiny toes.how I wish I had those,but I wish even more I had my baby Ruth. Missing you angel girl..as always

Passing Time

Time seems to be passing so quickly lately. Perhaps it's because I am not working and have no schedule whatsoever. Every now and then the fact I left my job stresses me out, but looking back over the last several months since I left the timing couldn't have been better. So much has happened - first I was able to take care of  Abby - a recent amputee, while Laura and Pat went on vacation. Having just lost her leg it would have been an awful time for her to be in a kennel. Then Uncle Rocky fell more seriously ill - not working allowed me to make several trips to CT to see him including one very last minute trip when we thought it was time to say goodbye. Then came Liam's birth followed all too soon by Uncle Rocky's passing. I was able to go to CT and spend some very important time with the family and it allowed to be bond with Grace in a way we never had before. That time changed everything about our relationship and I am so so thankful for that. Next came hurricane Sandy.  Not working allowed me to volunteer and help people who lost so much to the storm. What a humbling experience that was. Then came 12.14.12 - regardless if whether or not I had been working that day would have gone the same - nothing would have kept me from jumping in the car and heading to CT and spending that afternoon and evening with the kids. The drive seemed endless that day as I laid on my horn to get anyone in front of me out of the way. I knew PJ was ok but I just couldn't get there fast enough. January was thankfully uneventful. February allowed me to go and help Laura while Pat was out of town and then of course came one of the worst Colitis attacks ever. It's been nice to be home but boredom is setting in so hopefully tomorrow will bring the job offer I have been waiting for. This time has done alot for me in other ways as well. I was able to give away a baby item. I still have all of Ruth's belongings tucked within her moses basket just waiting for a baby. I don't think that baby is ever coming to this house and I was able to pass along something to Liam.It didn't hurt, it felt good. My heart is healing. It may never be whole again as Ruth has a piece with her in Heaven but it IS healing. It always works out, I need to remember that fact on my worst days.