Feels Like Fall

I feel like I have reached this new place.A good place. A place of healing. It feels like fall outside, which I normally hate because fall leads to winter, which I hate! Tonight while sitting outside it felt like fall and I was SO glad. That means I made it through summer (even tho summer is not over for quite awhile)Summer hurts. I reminds of me when you were with me and then when I lost you.Next summer will be better. I know it will. For now I will enjoy the chill in the air and put the pain back in it's summer home.

Wedding Day

Hey Baby Girl! Tomorrow I am getting married so I wanted to take a quiet moment tonight just to be here with you. I can't get you off my mind as the moon is full again.Tomorrow night there will be meteor shower too, I can't wait to watch it with you. So many significant days have come and been marked by some celestial event, ironic? Perhaps, but I am not so sure. I like to think of it as a sign, a reassurance you are here with us. Everything fell apart that day we lost you. Who knew two years later this is where I would be? It was not a life I envisioned, not at all. I know you will be with as I walk down the aisle. I will take a special moment just for you and carry a flower in my bouquet for my girl, I will also have your bracelet from all those miles you ran with Sarah. I've come this far that fact alone is amazing. My wedding day will be even more amazing and I know you will be there. Goodnight Baby Ruth.

Another Birthday

Two years ago today I met this tiny little person who left me forever changed. Two years ago today I held a tiny perfect little baby girl who got cheated out of life. Two years ago today my heart broke into a million pieces,it can never be whole again. I will celebrate my Ruth today despite the heartache I will not wallow in pain or tears today. I will send balloons to her in heaven and remember how happy we were when we learned I was pregnant. How happy we were can not be overshadowed by how sad we became. I have cried and cried and cried for your little one, your daddy has too, but today I am not going to cry-at least I am going to try not to. Today is your day, the day you got your wings and flew to heaven and became our angel. I love you to the moon and back, today and everyday.Happy 2nd Birthday.

Flashbacks

I am having "flashbacks" of sorts the last week or so. Since my birthday,my birthday marks the day that everything really began to unravel. It marks the first time I was admitted to the hospital. I was pretty confident after I left the hospital that first time. How foolish. I have this heaviness starting to take hold again. It's not crushing but but there. I have so much going on but in the midst of it all there will be this day,Ruth's birthday to mark the worst moment of my life!Life proves once again how unpredictable it is. I mean look at me now? 18 months ago none of this seemed at all possible.I am getting married in 11 days,on a full moon of course, for my Ruth.She will have a special chair at the ceremony where I will lay a flower for her on my way down the aisle.I hope that day marks the day I really start over. Love you Ruth!