I am having such a difficult time tonight, tears just flowing,seemingly out of nowhere. It's not a full moon- I often find that those days are hard, even if I didn't know the moon was full. There always seems to be some sort of shift in my world on those days and my heart starts to feel heavy again.
I am sad tonight,sad because I can't change what happened and I can't erase the horrible memories. The things I did wrong, the things I should have done, the things, I didn't do. I'm entitled to sad moments right? I know not everyone thinks so. It's been said to me more than once that I should "get over it" Or simply encourage to not talk about Ruth and what happened. As I have said before not talking about something doesn't make it any less real. Ruth would be turning three pretty soon. Instead I watch other peoples children grow and listen to their stories and sometimes complaints about parenthood. Sometimes I even think maybe I don't really want kids-maybe it's not part of my life's master plan. Maybe I am not cut out to raise a child- lord knows I angry quickly and that is certainly not a good characteristic to have. Lately is seems those baby strings have been tugging hard at my heart again. For months I really thought I was OK with how things are- but here I am out of no where crying and feeling empty, and sorry for myself (shame on me!) because I am here without my little girl and wondering if I will ever have her little brother or sister here with me. Self pity is such an awful and useless thing but it's consumed me tonight and I really don't even care. I think I earned the right for some self pity every now and then and anyone who says different- you lose a child and tell me that not once, not even for a moment did you feel sorry for yourself. If you can do that, well then you,and only you are allowed to judge me while I wallow. For the rest of you- please just let me be. It hurts so just let me cry. OK?
