Today should have been your first birthday. So many things that could have been,should have been.

I have no more words for today. Happy what should have been.

It's OK

Sometimes it seems like it was someone else because there are days I can think and speak of my expirience and not cry. I often try to push  it away, to the back darkest portion of my mind where maybe it won't hurt as much,but that memory never fades.The memory I cant even speak of because other people wouldnt be able to handle it .But ya know just because you don't speak of something doesn't make it any less real.I  wish I  had taken more time to hold her, to talk to her to cherish how utterly perfect she was.I wish i was someone else. I wish for so many things but above all else I wish Ruth had been given a chance to live, to be a little girl and grow up feeling the love her daddy and I have for her.
Life has take quite a turn since Ruth was born. I thought back then that my heart couldn't hurt any more than it was I thought I was at my lowest point, what little I knew. There was so much more pain to be had so much more darkness to engulf me and hold me in it's grasp so tightly I thought I would never see light again....and I didn't want to. I wanted to stay curled up in my bed,my new bed in that hotel room, hidden away from a world I now hated. And I did. For weeks I hid with the curtains drawn tight so no sun could enter. I very rarely went outside. I lost 41 pounds. I didn't sleep until finally  I went to the Dr and got some help...for the lack of sleep at least .For the rest there was no one that could really help. Amebien became my best friend, Ambein and Xanax. I want to write the Dr who prescribed them a letter to thank her for saving me from myself. Without the constant support of my friends and those little pills I am not sure where I would be today. But here I am. I am OK.  I am happy. I have my life back. It's not the life I was expecting just a year and a half ago. There is no Ruth, there is no Willie there is no more house no garden no  family here with me. I am in an apartment with just pictures and memories of that life I thought I wanted, But I am ok. It's ok. I knew somewhere in the furthest corner of my mind, and I was right. I have moved on to this new place with a lighter heart a stronger sense of who I am and who I want to be and  I have my  Ruthie girl to thank for that. Without her Willie and I would be in that same place and it's not a place  that was good for either of us and despite the pain leaving caused, it's OK. I am ok. 

It is her  Birthday today, in exactly three hours. Everything has changed. I am in a better place but my heart is still heavy, I guess it always will be. I made it through her due date and through the holidays... and mothers day.How am I going to make it through THIS day though? Sarah ran the Eugene marathon  and qualified for Boston,she ran for Ruth. She recently hit 500 miles, 500 miles running for Ruth. Sometimes I feel like Sarah does more to honor her and keep her memory alive than I do. Sarah gives me strength  when I have none and a shoulder to cry one when I need one.I don't think I ever knew the depths of our friendship until Ruth. Another thing I have to thank my Angel for.
I am thankful she made me a mother, that she chose me to be her mommy. I am thankful for the new found love I discovered when I became pregnant. A love so deep, so pure  that words can not describe it. A mothers love truly goes beyond words, I know that now,because of Ruth.
Today it has been one year since I held her her tiny perfect body in my arms. One year since I said goodbye to the dreams Willie and I had for our little girl. One year since pain beyond measure struck my heart so hard so fast I never thought I would be the same. I guess I never really will be the same as before, after all before this day one year ago I wasn't a mommy to a tiny perfect angel.
Happy First Birthday Ruth. I love you to the Moon and back.

A late Post, Written on 11/27

I still miss you. I still want to cry and kick and scream just to feel something other than the crushing sadness in my heart, but I don't.I have learned to get through most days without crying I get up and go to work every day and smile and fegin a happiness that isn't there but that some think should be. I thought I had this safe haven at home in my bed where I could cry and be sad and mourn my loss but I've come to find out that even there isn't a safe place, even Willie thinks I should be doing more, trying harder and finds it unacceptable that I just want to sleep.He doesn't know that it even follows me into my sleep, but there at least it's not as bad.  I skipped Thanksgiving becuse the thought of being around the kids and family was too painful. I don't think anyone understands except those other mothers who have stood where I stand. Who have cradled their lifeless baby in thier arms. Only those women seem to understand why I wouldn't want to celebrate a Holiday made for giving Thanks. I didn't intend to skip it, it just happend. With my due date less than two weeks away the sadness is begining to consume me all over again and I couldn't get out of bed. But then I did. I got up and cleaned. I cleaned all the things that never get cleaned, the blinds and the shutters the couch cover etc.  Then I went back to bed but at least i did something right?  But I guess it was too little too late.