Jealousy

15 Years. A decade a half. I see your cousin Grace and think about how you and see would have grown up together, thick as thieves like my cousin Leah and I were. You've got so much more family with you now that it does my heart some good to know you finally got to meet your Aunt Laurie and you Grammy.  The pain is different now, perhaps  because of time, perhaps because of all the other losses and  thinking about the reunions. I lost you.  I was broken. In a a fog. I moved forward. I felt better. Then my sister died. There I was consumed by that fog again. Then my mom died after many months of being sick. I tried so so hard to do everything I could to make life a little easier for her and Dick last year.  Mom - I miss you From Oxygen machines, to soft touch tubings, special ointments for the nose, ear cushions, bath chairs, shower handles,  smart devices to help with pill reminders.  Figuring out way to sort pills with as little confusion as possible.  Special pillows. Walkers door dashed to house so  the wouldn't have to wait for one.  Days and nights in the hospital. Driving so many times scared of  what the outcome of the trip would be.  Working from a hospital chair into the wee hours of the morning so I could be present with upiduring the day. Working from your house off a folding table so I could be close. Dr's appointments.  Hospital visits. Watching you decline. Watching Dick take such good care of you, the very best he could. Calling  the family sharing the news you would pass soon. Getting the call you were gone. Having to tell Dick you were gone. I would do it all over again Mom. But it didn't matter in the end. And I hurt.  It was less than three years since we lost Laura. I was going back and forth again, just like in 2020. Going to spend time with the dying while hoping and praying death wouldn't really come. Too much loss for one heart. The worst part is knowing there will always be more to come. Ruth,  you were my first heartbreak, You were the biggest tragedy of my life. I'll never forget those days. Never.  Happy Heavenly birthday, thse first one your Grammy gets to  celebrate with you. I am so very very jealous.  We should all be down here celebrating you. I have tremendous jealousy for all the birthday posts I see of peoples kids. The ggraduations and the proms ... all things  you will never get to have. I am jealous. And my heart aches. 

Mojo

I wish Ruth could have met Mojo and grown up with him. Mojo Mulligan. Funny Little Man Dog. Bud Bud. Sooo many other nicknames. He was truly a remarkable dog. for 14 years I had to pleasure of having him at my side, through all the joys and all the sadness. From my best day to my absolute worst Mojo was with me. He stayed beside me while I was broken and rejoiced with me when I was whole again and he never held it against me - all those days I could barely function and couldn't play frisbee with him, his love for me never wavering. He was a frisbee champ in his youth, he won an obedience  contest once - judged by Kelly Bishop of the Gilmore girls - my favorite show. He made proud so many times.  It's been 5 months now and Karma is starting to not cry as much, I don't think she will ever be happy again though. He was her best friend for her whole life. The days and weeks after he died he would stand in the hall and just cry/howl when she was alone. She misses him as much as I do. Her heart hurts as much as mine and it kills me that I can't help her. We have new flooring put in the house and tore out the carpeting - for nearly a month after Karma would just stand outside, rain,snow, cold she didn't care she just stood there and would sniff the air for the longest time - like she was trying to find him again since the house no longer held his scent. Losing him has been so painful, and watching Karma's heart break has been almost as bad. You were my number one boy pal dog Mojo. I will miss you every day for as long as I live.  I hope you and Ruth have found each other and are playing across that rainbow bridge.

Ten Years

Ten years ago. A decade. How can that even be?  You were with me for only a few short months but all these years later losing you still make my heart ache. At this time ten years ago I was on the phone with Sarah the pain in my belly growing stronger and me not realizing what was happening. We talked until 1am when I just couldn't anymore because I was feeling sick and then when we hung up I started throwing up. The next couple of hours are a blur - until the pain was so intense I was pound my foot on the  bed and then they gave me some pain relief and for a brief time I was ok. Then that roll. That last movement  when it was undeniable it was YOU... you moving around. and then the pain was back worse than ever and I started telling the nurse I had to push while she kept saying no no  - and then I started yelling "she's coming  she's coming" and you were there. And the nurse started yelling for help and all these people came in and I just wanted to know what time it was because even though I didn't get to hold you right then and no one said anything I knew - I knew you were gone.  I tried calling Willie but I was shaking so badly I couldn't dial my cell phone so the nurse did it for me. I am not sure what I said to him  through my sobs, I think I said she's gone or it's over. Then they took me to the OR and I was shaking and crying and they put me to sleep. I woke up alone and they started asking me questions and telling me things I  couldn't process. I just kept asking for Willie. They brought me to a new room and hours later they wheeled you in in the isolette  all swaddled,the same they bring every new mom her newborn. They passed you to me and your little mouth moved just the tiniest bit for a moment my breath caught in my throat and for a fleeting second I thought you were here.... but you weren't. I held you. I unwrapped you and saw every perfect inch of you. My heart shattered and would never be the same. A decade.   Ten years. I've never been the same because that day I lost my baby Ruth. Ten years. A decade I have carried pain and guilt in my heart and I know it will still with me forever - as will my love for you sweet baby girl. Double digits. A decade. Ten years. How can that even be?



                                       

A Decade too late

It's been ten years since you were conceived. Next week will mark ten years since I knew you were here. I still have nightmares sometimes, but much less often. My guilt however, is ever present. I started seeing a therapist last week. Our first session was all about you. And him. The therapist said what I need to do is separate you from him and as soon as she realized that YES that is what I want I knew I would like her . She validated several things for me but the guilt is going to take a lot of work to get through. She used the term "auto pilot" to describe that night/morning.    Maybe that's what it was. Or maybe, more likely, it was  a lifetime of being made to feel like I was "too dramatic"  and as a result  the first place my mind went was to "Don't do that. they will think it's morbid and dramatic" and I always hated being called that.   Throughput  your entire existence I downplayed the "drama" but there was much I should have asked so much I should have done that would have changed all this. But no. That fear of that label of those remarks landed us here. I need to accept that it is ok that I am sensitive. I am a crier and it's ok to cry when I am hurt or scared or  happy. To feel whatever it is I am feeling regardless of what they might think. I need get over it. I just wish I had come to know this was my issue ten years ago so I wouldn't be here writing this alone. You there and me still here with just this guilt and my never ending love for you sweet baby girl.  This realization came a decade too late.

Number Nine

Happy 9th Birthday in Heaven little one.  

9 years or 90 years my heart will always ache for you and all the things that  should have been. You will forever be that missing part of me. 

I love you, to the moon and back. 

Waves...

Happy Easter. Happy Aprils fools. Today was the first Easter in my life that I wasn't with my family. And only the second Holiday I have ever spent away from them...the first one being Thanksgiving 2009. I didn't feel I had anything to be thankful - that was also the day your Daddy told me that he didn't like me anymore. That I was too sad and if I didn't get over it we'd break up.  Pretty sure he already had a plan at that point but that doesn't really bother me anymore because  life is as it should be... despite the waves. Today was a big one. Last night before I feel asleep I was watching TV and a man told a story of his baby that was stillborn. That was all it took to enter into my sub conscience and make the dreams come,which lead to this mornings waves. I tried to keep in  but the  sob escaped and I finally just gave in to it. I will never be ok  that  we didn't have a funeral for you. I will never get over the decisions I made in the midst of my brokenness that day. Why didn't anyone counsel me? I was devastated,BROKEN and they just said "Ok"  I know I have said it before, but I am so very sorry. I'm sorry doesn't come close to making up for it but I hope you understand. Happy Easter sweet girl. Loving you and missing you always.

Mojo

Mojo. My bud. THE #1 boy pal dog. My championship. Funny little man dog. Mojo Mulligan.
He's getting old. He will be 13 this year. He can't hear me anymore. We communicate by hand gestures that I taught him as puppy in anticipation for  the day when his world might so silent. He can't hear me call his name so I bang on things and somehow he has figured out those thumps means "Shell wants me" and he always comes running when he feels the vibrations. He's always been so so smart...and so so loyal.  I remember the day only a few months ago that he stopped  following me around as I got ready for work. I laid down on the floor with him and cried. He's my pal. He's my shadow. My ever present protector. He still follows me when he's feeling up to it. He still chases that Frisbee and leaps to catch it, even tho he misses most of the time. He stumbles when he

Sandy Hook Beach, Our Favorite place 

 lands, he trips up the stairs and falls when he tries to jump into the car but he still sits me with... back against my leg - looking out to make sure nothing comes too close,that no one will hurt me.  I try to prepare myself for the day he's not here but I don't think I can really prepare for the  heartache his passing is going to bring. The day I brought him home, this little stinky scared little guy was THE best  best best best day ever.  You are simply the best Bud.

At my feet,always...