Sometimes it seems like it was someone else because there are days I can think and speak of my expirience and not cry. I often try to push it away, to the back darkest portion of my mind where maybe it won't hurt as much,but that memory never fades.The memory I cant even speak of because other people wouldnt be able to handle it .But ya know just because you don't speak of something doesn't make it any less real.I wish I had taken more time to hold her, to talk to her to cherish how utterly perfect she was.I wish i was someone else. I wish for so many things but above all else I wish Ruth had been given a chance to live, to be a little girl and grow up feeling the love her daddy and I have for her.
Life has take quite a turn since Ruth was born. I thought back then that my heart couldn't hurt any more than it was I thought I was at my lowest point, what little I knew. There was so much more pain to be had so much more darkness to engulf me and hold me in it's grasp so tightly I thought I would never see light again....and I didn't want to. I wanted to stay curled up in my bed,my new bed in that hotel room, hidden away from a world I now hated. And I did. For weeks I hid with the curtains drawn tight so no sun could enter. I very rarely went outside. I lost 41 pounds. I didn't sleep until finally I went to the Dr and got some help...for the lack of sleep at least .For the rest there was no one that could really help. Amebien became my best friend, Ambein and Xanax. I want to write the Dr who prescribed them a letter to thank her for saving me from myself. Without the constant support of my friends and those little pills I am not sure where I would be today. But here I am. I am OK. I am happy. I have my life back. It's not the life I was expecting just a year and a half ago. There is no Ruth, there is no Willie there is no more house no garden no family here with me. I am in an apartment with just pictures and memories of that life I thought I wanted, But I am ok. It's ok. I knew somewhere in the furthest corner of my mind, and I was right. I have moved on to this new place with a lighter heart a stronger sense of who I am and who I want to be and I have my Ruthie girl to thank for that. Without her Willie and I would be in that same place and it's not a place that was good for either of us and despite the pain leaving caused, it's OK. I am ok.
