December 14,2012

Shortly before 11 Friday morning, December 14th I woke up to a phone call from my sister crying. I bolted up right at the sound of her tears.  Her first words were "PJ is OK" I had no idea what was happening and replied 'What Happened??' There was a shooting at PJ's school. And so began the most horrific day,but not for my family. My family was spared - just barely. PJ's class was directly across the hall from the two classrooms where the lives of 20 innocent children were lost. He was safe by a number of feet, 20? 30?  I do not know the exact number but what I do know is that the shooters decision to enter the classrooms on the left instead of the right spared Pj's life. I drove to CT. I had to see Pj, to hug him to tell him I love him tons. I stayed all day and before he went to bed he said he hoped he wouldn't have any bad dreams that night. I was hoping the whole thing was a bad dream but the sun rose today and it's all too real. My nephew could have been murdered yesterday. He wasn't. He is ok. He is here. The relief is tremendous, the guilt for feeling that relief is tremendous. The amount of tears is tremendous, the pain in my stomach the disgust the anger the heartache - tremendous.Ruthie girl, were you there? Did you and Uncle Rocky and Nana and Pj's grandpa hover over him and shield his classroom? I want to believe that. But where were the other children's guardian angels? Why weren't they there?  Earlier in the week Sarah's husband and two of their kids went to the mall to see Santa. There was a shooting there. They too are ok. Four people I love within three days of each were in the presence of a gunman. I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling. My heart aches for the families whose lives have been forever changed. My blood boils with fury at the gunman. My head hurts from crying but PJ is ok. Thank you a million times over to his teacher and all that kept him safe.

Waves of Light

October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day - a day of remembrance for all the angel babies, the ones gone before we met them and the ones that left much too soon.

Family and friends honored Ruth by lighting candles at 7pm in whatever time zone they were in and created a wave of light that reached from coast to coast. This was the second wave of light created just for you Ruth, a truly amazing tribute. I still miss you every day but the tears happen less often, replaced with happy memories of being pregnant and the time I had you with me. There will always be a piece of my heart missing,it's up in Heaven with my sweet angel.When Uncle Rocky was buried he was buried with a little glass Angel in his pocket with "Ruth" painted on it  - they rest together now,Somewhere over the rainbow... .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlKj25AZXc0&feature=plcp

Saying Goodbye

Uncle Rocky passed away on 9.22.12 We knew this was coming but that doesn't make it any easier. Rocky was a special man with a kind heart and a warm smile and it is just so sad knowing we will never see his smile again. He is at peace and some comfort comes from knowing his illness is no more but we will miss him. I know you're up with with your Uncle Rocky,Ruth, and I know he's making you laugh saying things like "hiccumeups"   and bouncing you on his knee. His services are tomorrow (Wednesday and Thursday) and I am nervous. I cry - I can't help it and I know that my tears are not always well received, even frowned upon but I loved this man and I am sad!  Perhaps a little rescue remedy is in order. I am simply not good at saying goodbye - I doubt anyone is

New Cousin

Ruth you have a new little cousin and he is just the cutest sweetest little guy! I am so excited that he is here! I met him last week and also got to spend a day alone with Grace for the first time. What a sweet girl she has become, a handful at times, but she made me smile all day long.  I can't wait to see my nieces and nephews again and take pictures of the perfection that is Ruth's new cousin,Liam!! Welcome to the world and to our family little Liam!

Hello Goodbye

Over the next two weeks I will be saying goodbye to my dear sweet Uncle Rocky and hello to my new nephew. Such a range of emotions. Uncle Rocky has been sick since last fall, the cancer has now spread everywhere and there is nothing more that can be done. I was there with him in the hospital two weeks when they thought his time was up - and so did he. 11 hours I was there with him waking up every now and then telling  us "I'm going now, I'm sorry, I gotta go now" It was gut wrenching. But I am glad I was there. Somehow he made it through  that time and we had hope there was more time, maybe a few months? No. Tuesday they doctor said two weeks at most. My Uncle Rocky has always been special to me and my heart is hurting so much for him right now. At my wedding last year before he left he told me how happy he was for me and that I always had a special place in his heart. I was so touched by his words, little did I know it was the last special moment we would share. While we are struggling with this news there is good news too. A new baby! How ironic that as we  prepare to say goodbye to one member of our family we are welcoming another. Since the doctor said we have two weeks or less I feel this count down clock in my head and it's making me sick - very literally. I am sad. I am happy. I am sick. Ugh.  It's all just too much.

Birthday Girl

Exactly three hours from now marks the moment my baby girl was born. I remember those last moments like they were yesterday. Etched into my memory forever. Happy Third birthday little one. I wish I was baking you cake and helping you blow out candles later today, but even though you are not here I will still have a celebration for you. A celebration of your short time with us, a celebration of the joy I had while you were in my belly,a celebration of life. I love you more than I ever thought possible, I love you tonight with the moon full and bright, just as it was the night you were born. I love you to the moon and back my sweet birthday girl.

Out of Nowhere...

 I am having such a difficult time tonight, tears just flowing,seemingly out of nowhere.  It's not a full moon- I often find that  those days are hard, even if I didn't know the moon was full. There always seems to be some sort of shift in my world on those days and my heart  starts to feel heavy again.
I am sad tonight,sad because I can't change what happened and I can't erase the horrible memories. The things I did wrong, the things I should have done, the things, I didn't do. I'm entitled to sad moments right? I know not everyone thinks so.  It's been said to me more than once that I should "get over it" Or simply encourage to not talk about Ruth and what happened. As I have said before not talking about something doesn't make it any less real. Ruth would be turning three pretty soon. Instead I watch other peoples children grow and listen to their stories and sometimes complaints about parenthood. Sometimes I even think maybe I don't really  want kids-maybe it's not part of my  life's master plan. Maybe I am not cut out to raise a child- lord knows I angry quickly and that is certainly not a good characteristic to have. Lately is seems those baby strings have been tugging hard at my heart again. For months I really thought I was OK with how things are- but here I am out of no where crying and feeling empty, and sorry for myself (shame on me!) because I am here without my little girl and wondering if I will ever have her little brother or sister here with me. Self pity is such an awful and useless thing but it's consumed me tonight and I really don't even care. I think I earned the right for some self pity every now and then and anyone who says different- you lose a child and tell me that  not once, not even for a moment did you feel sorry for yourself. If you can do that, well then you,and only you are allowed to judge me while I wallow. For the rest of you- please just let me be. It hurts so just let me cry. OK?

Emails-Remembering

While I was working today I was searching for something in my old emails the result came back with something I forgot was there. A slight sharp inhale and a stabbing pain. I didn't delete it. I'm so mad,beyond mad. I talk about it to Frank and he listens, offers his two cents and I move on. At least with him I am not so embarassed. What a funny thing to feel secure,when you only THOUGHT you were before. Strange to actually know you are. Recovery. When will I recover? I wonder if recovery would only come from closure, which I can't have. What the hell is closure anyway? Is it forgetting? Forgiving? I have no idea I just know  that even after all this time I can either be brought instantly to tears from the pain or  have my blood pressure shoot sky high from anger and disgust.Today, I am angry and disgusted. I won't delete these memories even though they make me feel this way.  Being reminded can be painful but perhaps somewhat theraputic too. Therapy. Now there's something I probably should have explored a bit more. I tried for a few weeks but it didn't seem to get me anywhere..well except $120 a month poorer!  I don't know what difference it would have made, nothing I was feeling was unjust or unreasonable, I know that now. I did allow myself to believe for awhile that what other people said was true , I know better now. Considering the road to hell and back that I have traveled I know better than ANY of you out there how I should or shouldn't be feeling. I need to be careful to not be swayed by such influences in the future.

It's Firday night. It's raining. It's a bit chilly (tho not cold as it should be in March) and I am going to throw on my cute plaid rubber boots and go shopping.I'm going to pack away my anger and disgust for today. Remembering- sometimes it REALLY sucks!