A Decade too late

It's been ten years since you were conceived. Next week will mark ten years since I knew you were here. I still have nightmares sometimes, but much less often. My guilt however, is ever present. I started seeing a therapist last week. Our first session was all about you. And him. The therapist said what I need to do is separate you from him and as soon as she realized that YES that is what I want I knew I would like her . She validated several things for me but the guilt is going to take a lot of work to get through. She used the term "auto pilot" to describe that night/morning.    Maybe that's what it was. Or maybe, more likely, it was  a lifetime of being made to feel like I was "too dramatic"  and as a result  the first place my mind went was to "Don't do that. they will think it's morbid and dramatic" and I always hated being called that.   Throughput  your entire existence I downplayed the "drama" but there was much I should have asked so much I should have done that would have changed all this. But no. That fear of that label of those remarks landed us here. I need to accept that it is ok that I am sensitive. I am a crier and it's ok to cry when I am hurt or scared or  happy. To feel whatever it is I am feeling regardless of what they might think. I need get over it. I just wish I had come to know this was my issue ten years ago so I wouldn't be here writing this alone. You there and me still here with just this guilt and my never ending love for you sweet baby girl.  This realization came a decade too late.