The Tears Win Again

I'm sad today. I think I'm sad everyday but today the tears are hanging there right behind my eyes ready to spill out if I let them. The sob is right there at the back of my throat and trying to escape but  I won't let it out. I am certain everyone is tiring of hearing me talk about "this" so I will write instead.

  I went back to work in the office yesterday. It made me sick being there without her. I have never been there without her.I miss her.  The last time I was there 7/25 was the day everything started to unravel. It was the last normal morning I had. I went outside and cried on my break  yesterday and when I went inside I hoped no one would notice so I walked with my head down until I reached my desk. I feel like  I have reached the acceptable amount of time people expect you to grieve. I think people assume at this point that I am better  and may not get it if I fall apart. Like somehow it has been  long enough and I should be done crying. So I hold it in until I'm by myself and then I cry and cry and cry because my baby died and it isn't fair.

I got this letter in the mail the other day from some group doing research on what happens when people lose thier babies. My name is out there in the world now as the  mother of a stillborn. A stillborn. That word makes my stomach turn.A word to add to the list of words I hate.Oh here is another, Bicornuate. I hate that one too. Ironically,as I was getting ready to disregard what my former doctor says and follow my own "plan" My appointment with the endocrinologist got moved up 3 weeks. Maybe its a sign that I need to see him before I get pregnant again because things are worse than I think. Maybe. I guess on Friday I will have some idea but I doubt he will tell me much. We will see. Here they come..the tears just won our fight, again.

Well, so much for my reason why. Today the Dr. told me I have a bicorunate uterus and she believes this cause the abruption. Something in my gut says while I may have this problem I do not believe it was the root cause of all of this. I can not explain it. I am not one who has these "gut" feelings but I just have a gut feeling it all goes back to the subchorionic hematoma. Perhaps I am wrong but I am parting ways with this doctor. She set me up with an Endocrinologist  who gave me an appointment in a month! A month? Do these people not realize that every cycle that goes by is  lost time? A month for the consultation then weeks for testing to be done so maybe we can try again next year? Ok, so maybe that's being dramatic but I do not think anyone understands the torture of waiting. I of course do not want to take any chance of this happening again but she already told me with nothing being wrong my chances were at least 20% now they have to reasses my risk,which of course is now higher. This is not supposed to be this complicated. I just want a family. I can't put into words all that runs through my head or exactly how I feel today. I'm just rambling but I need to right now. That's all any of this is but it helps somehow.
It is late. I need to sleep and get away fron google ad wikipedia for awhile,my head is startig to spin.

Life goes on

Friday  September 4th was  a full moon. The last full moon was August 4th, Ruth's birthday. This time the moon wasn't pink like Sarahs picture, a reminder that life goes on. And it has but it seems so wrong. I am supposed to 27 weeks pregnant today but instead I'm 34 days empty today. At least I know  now it wasn't my fault. It was in fact an abruption but not as a result of something I did or didn't do. I got the answer to my "Why". This is all I really needed to know, it was NOT my fault.

 I miss her. I look at her pictures every day and I am amazed  at how teeny tiny and perfect she was. Why am I so sad right now? Why can't I stop crying? I have been doing SO well. It just hits me sometimes that my little girl died,my baby was born sleeping. There are so many of us out there,mommies and daddies of angels. You think stillbirths are uncommon but they happen every single day it is not at all a rare occurance. The Dr. says I have a 20% chance of this happening again because I know have a "history". Willie,being the glass is half full type  sees this as an 80% chance  of things being fine. I can't get myself to think this way though. I have never really been an optimist now optimisim seems even harder to find. I will have to keep searching I guess.