I'm sad today. I think I'm sad everyday but today the tears are hanging there right behind my eyes ready to spill out if I let them. The sob is right there at the back of my throat and trying to escape but I won't let it out. I am certain everyone is tiring of hearing me talk about "this" so I will write instead.
I went back to work in the office yesterday. It made me sick being there without her. I have never been there without her.I miss her. The last time I was there 7/25 was the day everything started to unravel. It was the last normal morning I had. I went outside and cried on my break yesterday and when I went inside I hoped no one would notice so I walked with my head down until I reached my desk. I feel like I have reached the acceptable amount of time people expect you to grieve. I think people assume at this point that I am better and may not get it if I fall apart. Like somehow it has been long enough and I should be done crying. So I hold it in until I'm by myself and then I cry and cry and cry because my baby died and it isn't fair.
I got this letter in the mail the other day from some group doing research on what happens when people lose thier babies. My name is out there in the world now as the mother of a stillborn. A stillborn. That word makes my stomach turn.A word to add to the list of words I hate.Oh here is another, Bicornuate. I hate that one too. Ironically,as I was getting ready to disregard what my former doctor says and follow my own "plan" My appointment with the endocrinologist got moved up 3 weeks. Maybe its a sign that I need to see him before I get pregnant again because things are worse than I think. Maybe. I guess on Friday I will have some idea but I doubt he will tell me much. We will see. Here they come..the tears just won our fight, again.
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