While I was working today I was searching for something in my old emails the result came back with something I forgot was there. A slight sharp inhale and a stabbing pain. I didn't delete it. I'm so mad,beyond mad. I talk about it to Frank and he listens, offers his two cents and I move on. At least with him I am not so embarassed. What a funny thing to feel secure,when you only THOUGHT you were before. Strange to actually know you are. Recovery. When will I recover? I wonder if recovery would only come from closure, which I can't have. What the hell is closure anyway? Is it forgetting? Forgiving? I have no idea I just know that even after all this time I can either be brought instantly to tears from the pain or have my blood pressure shoot sky high from anger and disgust.Today, I am angry and disgusted. I won't delete these memories even though they make me feel this way. Being reminded can be painful but perhaps somewhat theraputic too. Therapy. Now there's something I probably should have explored a bit more. I tried for a few weeks but it didn't seem to get me anywhere..well except $120 a month poorer! I don't know what difference it would have made, nothing I was feeling was unjust or unreasonable, I know that now. I did allow myself to believe for awhile that what other people said was true , I know better now. Considering the road to hell and back that I have traveled I know better than ANY of you out there how I should or shouldn't be feeling. I need to be careful to not be swayed by such influences in the future.
It's Firday night. It's raining. It's a bit chilly (tho not cold as it should be in March) and I am going to throw on my cute plaid rubber boots and go shopping.I'm going to pack away my anger and disgust for today. Remembering- sometimes it REALLY sucks!
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