Ten Years

Ten years ago. A decade. How can that even be?  You were with me for only a few short months but all these years later losing you still make my heart ache. At this time ten years ago I was on the phone with Sarah the pain in my belly growing stronger and me not realizing what was happening. We talked until 1am when I just couldn't anymore because I was feeling sick and then when we hung up I started throwing up. The next couple of hours are a blur - until the pain was so intense I was pound my foot on the  bed and then they gave me some pain relief and for a brief time I was ok. Then that roll. That last movement  when it was undeniable it was YOU... you moving around. and then the pain was back worse than ever and I started telling the nurse I had to push while she kept saying no no  - and then I started yelling "she's coming  she's coming" and you were there. And the nurse started yelling for help and all these people came in and I just wanted to know what time it was because even though I didn't get to hold you right then and no one said anything I knew - I knew you were gone.  I tried calling Willie but I was shaking so badly I couldn't dial my cell phone so the nurse did it for me. I am not sure what I said to him  through my sobs, I think I said she's gone or it's over. Then they took me to the OR and I was shaking and crying and they put me to sleep. I woke up alone and they started asking me questions and telling me things I  couldn't process. I just kept asking for Willie. They brought me to a new room and hours later they wheeled you in in the isolette  all swaddled,the same they bring every new mom her newborn. They passed you to me and your little mouth moved just the tiniest bit for a moment my breath caught in my throat and for a fleeting second I thought you were here.... but you weren't. I held you. I unwrapped you and saw every perfect inch of you. My heart shattered and would never be the same. A decade.   Ten years. I've never been the same because that day I lost my baby Ruth. Ten years. A decade I have carried pain and guilt in my heart and I know it will still with me forever - as will my love for you sweet baby girl. Double digits. A decade. Ten years. How can that even be?