A late Post, Written on 11/27

I still miss you. I still want to cry and kick and scream just to feel something other than the crushing sadness in my heart, but I don't.I have learned to get through most days without crying I get up and go to work every day and smile and fegin a happiness that isn't there but that some think should be. I thought I had this safe haven at home in my bed where I could cry and be sad and mourn my loss but I've come to find out that even there isn't a safe place, even Willie thinks I should be doing more, trying harder and finds it unacceptable that I just want to sleep.He doesn't know that it even follows me into my sleep, but there at least it's not as bad.  I skipped Thanksgiving becuse the thought of being around the kids and family was too painful. I don't think anyone understands except those other mothers who have stood where I stand. Who have cradled their lifeless baby in thier arms. Only those women seem to understand why I wouldn't want to celebrate a Holiday made for giving Thanks. I didn't intend to skip it, it just happend. With my due date less than two weeks away the sadness is begining to consume me all over again and I couldn't get out of bed. But then I did. I got up and cleaned. I cleaned all the things that never get cleaned, the blinds and the shutters the couch cover etc.  Then I went back to bed but at least i did something right?  But I guess it was too little too late.