Sometimes I swear I can still feel her moving but of course that's just my imagination. I'm doing better, I think...well at least sometimes. I don't cry as often but the tears still come easily. We had all these plans. Things to do, places to see.Now we have nothing but the memory of this precious little person we didn't get the chance to know.
It will be 3 weeks tomorrow. Time has been passing so so slowly but yet to my heart it feels like yesterday. Willie says someday thoughts of Ruth will make me smile instead of cry. I know he's right but now everytime I think of her I ache in a way I didn't even know was possible. It's all consuming and inescapable. I wish I could hide awhile until the ache fades and I can face people again. I don't mind strangers because they don't know. It's the people who know that I'm afraid of facing. Their faces make it real because they can't help but look at me with that look that says "I'm sorry". In their eyes I can see my sorrow reflected back and I don't want to see it. I don't want to know this is real. If I am alone I can pretend.If I am with strangers I can pretend but with those who know I can't pretend or hide. I have to face it, to see it and it hurts too much. I am not ready. Not yet.