I started to do some work from home today. My boss generously offered for me to stay home until the first week of October to allow me time to grieve and hopefully to some extent,heal.
Heal. How will I ever do that? Things do seem less foggy today but I still keep hoping this is dream and tomorrow I will wake up and my belly will be big again not deflated and empty. 8 days empty today. No more little flickers of movement no more heartbeat on the doppler that I checked every morning and every night.
I need an answer, a reason why. Of course they said it was not my fault placental abruptions are just "one of those things". I can't accept that though. I have this tremendous feeling of guilt. There must be something I could have done. What though? What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? I wish someone could tell me. It won't make my heart hurt any less but I just need a reason why.
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